Gratitude

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Allowing the Process

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I’m grateful for a good cleansing cry…

I’ve come to realize that losing your health is a real loss, and it’s normal and okay that we will go through a grieving process with this loss, just as we would with any other loss.  We will go through the steps of denial, anger and sorrow before we can come to a point of acceptance and eventually be able to move forward with our lives in a new way.  Everyone is going to go through these steps at different rates, and we may even go in and out of them for a while.  So I think it’s important to recognize that and allow ourselves to go through the process, knowing that some day we will come to accept and move forward.

The other day as I was watching my kids swim, a butterfly came to visit me. It flew around me for a while before it went on its way. I love butterflies! They are so graceful and beautiful, and I welcomed my new friend being so near me. It is said that when a butterfly is flying near you, there is a deep symbolic meaning of a change about to take place in your life. This is a personal transformation that you are about to undergo, emerging into a new life of awareness and improvement. When I saw the butterfly the other day, I was feeling very sad. I have been experiencing a little set back in my health recently, and my emotions were coming to the surface. But as usual, I was holding them back.

For years I didn’t cry at all. I think that somewhere inside of me I believed that in order to push through the fatigue and pain that I always experienced, I had to be tough, which meant no crying. Not a healthy thing! It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I finally realized what I had been doing, and I started to give myself permission to cry. Even after that, it took quite a while before I was able to start letting my emotions come to the surface. I’ve been working on this and have been allowing the tears to flow more easily. However, this has still been in a controlled environment; removing myself to solitude where I can cry openly on my own. Improvement. Progress. Still, not enough. I continue to suppress and keep too much inside.

Until last night. The flood gates came open as I opened my heart to my husband about some deep emotional feelings I was having, and the waters started flowing. This was a good, hard cry, with sobs and shaking that lasted until they stopped on their own. In the 21 years that we’ve been married, my husband has never seen me cry like this.  In fact, I’ve hardly even cried like that at all, even alone. And it felt so good! It was very cleansing. And after the gates were closed and I realized how much better I felt, I also realized that I have some more emotional healing to do. Chronic illness takes its toll on you emotionally as well as physically. I thought that I had gone through the grieving process with this and that I was at the point past acceptance and moving forward. But I’ve come to understand better now, that this process happens at different levels, over and over again, taking us to new plains along the way. My butterfly friend was trying to remind me of this. I’ve made a lot of progress on my healing journey, but there’s a new level of change waiting for me. And now I get to spread my wings and start to learn how to fly!

 

“Metamorphosis: In this extraordinary photographic montage, Christina White traces the evolution of the Monarch butterfly from eggs to caterpillar to chysalis to the lovely, winged creature that graces our gardens. She painstakingly recorded this transition over several months and stitched the individual images together to form this picture. Christina is the Bermuda Sun’s Creative Director. *Photo by Christina White.”

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Healing is Possible!!

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I’m grateful for the blessing and ability to heal…

Last Fall our family took a vacation to DisneyWorld in Florida.  This is something we have been planning for several years, and had hoped to make it happen a couple of years ago.  But my health was really low, and we were going to different places for treatments and putting money into those things. This family vacation kept looking farther and farther away, and it started to seem like it wasn’t going to happen at all.  And although it seemed like a fun thing to do, the thoughts of going on such a big trip like that exhausted me.  It’s enough work to prepare for and go on a trip with a family of 8 when you’re feeling well, but when your energy is low due to health reasons, it seems like an impossible feat.  On the other hand, I wanted our family to have this trip together that we had been talking about for so long.  Finally one day I told Craig, my husband, that I was tired of putting things off in life until the time that I was better. I knew if we kept waiting that the money we had saved for the vacation would be used up in medical expenses, and that it may not work out to be able to have our entire family on the trip as the older kids continue to get older.  I told him that I just wanted to go on this trip, and the situation with my low energy and not being able to eat much would work itself out and everything would be fine.  So we made the plans and took the trip.  And I have to say, it was WONDERFUL!!  We had the best time, everything fell into place smoothly, and yes, I even had energy that I haven’t had for years AND I was able to eat more than I had been able to eat for a long time, without getting sick!  I believe that the Lord really blessed me for this trip with his tender mercies. I also believe that by having the desire to make this trip happen for my family and setting the intention beforehand that I would feel well, that it was able to manifest this way.  This also triggered something inside of me, as if my mind and body were reminded that I can feel well and that I can heal.  Since this trip, I have continued to progress in having more energy and being able to eat more foods. This is not only a miracle, but also a testament to me of the power of our minds’ and bodies’ innate ability to heal.  I’m finally learning how to tap into that power, and I look forward to the new journey that’s ahead of me as I continue to apply the things I’ve learned and to continue learning new things.

Over the past several months, I’ve been working on changing my thinking from “I have chronic illness” to “I am chronically healthy”. I’ve been saying this to myself, even during the times that I don’t feel healthy.  I’m trying to remind my mind and body to take action toward healing, instead of being stuck in the illness.  I’ve learned that being chronically healthy is a process.  It’s not a destination that we arrive at and it’s over.  It’s a journey of learning what works for us, finding balance, and staying on a maintenance plan that will allow us to continue forward on the healing journey.

Healing isn’t stagnant.  It’s about moving and changing and growing.  It’s about learning to love ourselves and forgive.  It’s about letting go of the things that hold us back and pursuing our passions and goals that will move us forward.  It’s about finding the inner self that has gotten lost in all the chaos; awakening our inner child and learning to find joy in life again.  I’ve been working so hard over the past few years, both mentally and physically, to find solutions to my health challenges.  It hasn’t been easy, and I know that there are always going to be bumps in the road and hills to climb.  But I keep gaining more tools and resources along this journey, and I am finally seeing signs that all the things I’ve been doing are working and that I am healing.  It’s a beautiful feeling, and it’s real, and it’s possible.  It’s possible for me; it’s possible for you; it’s possible for everyone! Even if the physical challenges don’t go away, it’s possible to go from being chronically ill to chronically healthy. We can learn to THRIVE as we are going through this process.  My upcoming posts will be about my continual journey in learning how to thrive, regardless of the challenges that are still around me.

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Attitude of Gratitude

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I’m grateful for too many blessings to count…

This is commonly the month of giving thanks; a time where we allow our thoughts to focus more on the things that we are grateful for.  Although gratitude is something that can and should be expressed every day throughout the year, there is a special feeling in the air as the leaves change colors and the calendar turns to welcome the holidays.  This is a great time to reflect on all of our blessings.  It’s a time to contemplate about all the good in our lives, even when that is intermixed with trials and hardships.  The season of Fall is also a great time to allow past grievances, grudges and pain to fall from our lives and prepare for new things to come.  Change is in the air, and we have the power to make change happen in our lives.  Now is a perfect time to focus on having an attitude of gratitude.

When I was a child I loved to listen to a cassette tape called Standin’ Tall with Gratitude by Janeen Brady.  There was a song that still runs through my head to this day: “When you have a gratitude attitude, others are going to love you, love you true….  Having a gratitude attitude shows appreciation.  Those with a gratitude attitude win in every situation…  When you have a gratitude attitude, you are the happiest kind of girl and boy.”

As we practice gratitude on a daily basis, it becomes more of a part of who we are, not just something that we do.  It becomes our attitude; our way of life.  And as this way of life expands within us, we truly feel and show love in greater capacities.  In turn, others feel and show greater love towards us.  With gratitude, we really do win in every situation and find true happiness as we see the beauty in our lives in new ways.

 

Photo by Wang Xi on Unsplash

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NOURISH

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I’m grateful for words…

There’s always something to be grateful for! Even something as simple as words. But I’ve come to realize that words may not always be so simple… they can really be quite profound! Words can be like a knife that cuts, or like wings that help someone take flight. They can fill us with fear, or they can make us feel fearless.  They can be surrounded with anger and hate, or they can be full of joy and love. WORDS– pretty powerful!!

As part of the GI Restoration Program I’m doing, we have a weekly call talking about our mindset and giving us tools for relieving stress and using our mind/heart connection to help us heal. Each week we are given a word that relates to the topic we have discussed. I have found a lot of power in pondering on these words. I have chosen to post the word each week on my vision board and place the past ones on the wall around it. This helps me to keep the focus of the word in my mind and try to apply it throughout the week. I have had great experiences surrounding these words, and have come to realize even more how powerful one simple word can be!

NOURISH… this was the first word I was given when I started the program.  I love this word!! Nourish the body, heart, mind and soul.

I was pondering on this word throughout that week and how it relates to each of these areas: body, heart, mind and soul.  While attending church, I was really concentrating on how my spirit was being nourished.  A good friend of mine was giving a talk that day, and I felt very uplifted by her words.  I sent her a text to thank her for the message she had given and told her how it had been nourishing for my spirit that day.  She wrote back and told me that through many of our conversations over the years that I have nourished her. I came away from the day feeling even more fed, and learned how many ways we can nourish our bodies, hearts, minds and souls, along with helping others to feel that too.

As I was writing this post about the word ‘nourish’, I kept thinking of this picture of the barrel of apples I had seen posted on a friend’s Instagram (Thank you, Alyssa Reidhead).  I thought it was interesting that this picture came to my mind for the word ‘nourish’, because I can’t even eat apples.  In fact, I haven’t been able to eat any fruits or vegetables for a long time.  My body has been in such a highly reactive state that there are only a few foods I can eat.  Even though I’m not able to get nutrients from healthy foods like apples, I’m grateful for the things that I can eat that keep me going.  This barrel of apples represents the word ‘nourish’ to me in many ways.  It reminds me how we need to nourish our bodies with things that are good for them.  We also need to nourish our hearts, minds and souls.  Picking apples or fruits can be a great way to do this as we are in nature and have time to ponder.  We may also be nourished by spending time with family or friends as we are working together to pick the fruit.  There is a lot of symbolism tied to this barrel of apples as well.  Think about what it takes to get an apple.  You have to start out with a good seed planted in good soil.  Then it needs to be nourished with water and sunlight in order for the tree to grow and be able to produce apples.  It is the same for us.  In order for us to have a healthy outcome, we need to nourish all areas: body, heart, mind and soul, in order to get the positive results we seek.  If we stop nourishing ourselves in one of these areas, we will become imbalanced and not be able to get the results we seek.

I encourage you to take some time and think about your body, heart, mind and soul.  What are some ways you can nourish these areas and make them grow stronger?  What are ways that you might be able to nourish someone else?  Remember the word NOURISH this week, and look for ways that it can have a meaningful and powerful effect in your life!

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Seeking For the Help We Need

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I’m grateful for all the resources that are around me…

My mom and I went to a Conference together last summer.  On the lunch break both days, we sat outside the building at a table where we ate our lunch and visited.  As we sat there the first day, a little bird flew over and landed right on the table where we had our food.  He pecked around and looked at us with a cocked head, as if he were asking for some food.  We would throw him a small piece of bread, which he would grab in his beak, and then he would fly into a nearby tree.  Before long, he was back in the same spot on the table, with the same cocked head and eyes full of longing.  We continued to feed him small amounts, and enjoyed lunch with our special guest.  The next day we returned to the same spot at our lunch break, and there we found our little friend joining us once again.  

I thought about this bird and how resourceful he was.  I imagined that when he first moved into that tree and saw people sitting at the table, he was probably a little shy and reluctant to get too close.  But as he put himself out there and started getting brave enough to step forward, I could see his confidence blossoming as he went from being timid to being bold and stepping forward to ask for what he wanted and needed.  

What resources do we have all around us?  Are we willing to step forward for ourselves and seek out the things that will help us?  Perhaps we’re like the little bird was in the beginning of his journey; timid and scared to come forward and seek for what we really need.  This can be hard to do if we’re not really sure what we’re going to get when we do step forward.  Will it be the right thing for us, or will it be something we don’t like or something that could even potentially be harmful?  We may question the outcome so much that we allow that to stop us from seeking for things that may really benefit us.

As I’m going along in my journey in life, one of the greatest things I’m learning about is trust.  I can completely trust in God, my Heavenly Father, as my greatest resource to guide me and lead me where I need to go.  Sometimes I don’t listen so well, and I end up at the wrong “table”, so to speak.  But when I really tune in and listen to those random or repetitive thoughts that are given to me, I find myself in places where I know I should be and where I receive help, comfort and guidance.  Sometimes through this process I have to be brave and step forward, trusting that as I do so I will be led to the places I need to be.  Like the little bird, the more I put myself forward and seek for help, the more guidance and direction I receive. And I realize that there are great resources all around me that I wouldn’t have even known about if I hadn’t been courageous enough to “land on the table, cock my head, and ask for what I need.”

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Let’s Talk Celiac

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I’m grateful for the things I’m learning about the big effects of gluten cross contamination for Celiacs, and that I have been advised to make my entire home completely gluten free…

The staff of life: food made from dough of flour or meal and usually raised with yeast or baking powder and then baked. (Definition from vocabulary.com dictionary)  Bread… Wheat… Grains… For most people, these foods are essential to a balanced and sustaining diet…

But not for those with Celiac disease.

Most people these days have heard of Celiac disease.  It’s becoming more and more common for doctors to look for it and diagnose people who have it.  When I was diagnosed with Celiac disease almost 15 years ago, I, along with a lot of other people, at least in the US, had never heard of it.  I had been going to many different doctors for 7 years, in search for an answer as to why my stomach gave me so many problems and why I always felt as though I had a mild flu.  For many years I was sent for various gastrointestinal tests, many of which were very unpleasant.  I had every test done on my gallbladder, repeatedly over the years, small bowel follow-throughs, scopes, X-rays, CT scans, ultrasounds, and too many tests that included drinking very nasty stuff.  With each test, I would have the hope that this was the one that would give me the answers I needed and set me on a course to take care of the problem.  After playing the waiting game time and time again between tests, just to have the results come back as “normal”, I began to feel defeated and that my reality really was as one of the first doctors had told me: IBS, and I would just have to figure out what I could and couldn’t eat and learn to live with it.

And so I would go on, trying to “pretend” like nothing was wrong.  But that was very hard to do when things kept getting worse and my body was screaming at me for help.  Then one night, when my oldest child was about 3 1/2 and the youngest around 1 1/2, I had one of my “attacks.”  There had been several of these in the past, but I hadn’t had one for a long time.  These attacks consisted of extreme pain high in my upper abdomen, just below my rib cage and above the belly button.  For years I had felt consistent pain in that spot, like a knife was poking in there and twisting.  That pain was always there, worsening after I ate.  But it was tolerable, and none of the tests ever showed that anything was wrong, except for some mild reflux issues.  Over the years, in two of the scopes I had, it was confirmed that I had Barrett’s Esophogus, a reflux disease, but then two other scopes showed that I didn’t have it.  I was on reflux medication off and on over the years, but was still having the sharp knife-like pain.  Even though that pain was always there, when I had an “attack”, it was very severe, to the point where I couldn’t handle the pain.  When this happened, I usually thought that I was having an appendicitis attack, so I ended up in the ER.

On this particular night, we had a new doctor in town that I hadn’t been to before. He ordered some blood work and a CT scan, and after a thourough examination and receiving the test results, it was determined that nothing serious was happening at the moment and I was sent home.  However, this doctor wanted me to follow up with him in his office the next week so that he could investigate this further.  I ended up in his office quite often over the next year.  He would have blood work done, and send me for various tests or to various specialists.  After following this process for about a year, one day I was sitting in his office as he was looking through my mile-high folder (this was before they converted to having everything electronically based.) My doctor carefully looked over each page, flipping through the entire file and asking more questions.  He kept saying, “what are we missing?”  Then suddenly, as if the thought was just placed into his head (I attribute this to God saying it was time for this answer to come), he looked up at me and said, “Have we tested you for Celiac Sprue?”  I looked at him as though he were speaking a foreign language, as I had never heard that term before.  I told him I didn’t think so, and he immediately sent me to have a blood test for it.  My numbers for the Celiac marker came back elevated, and I was referred to a gastroenterologist for another scope, only this one being specific to biopsy a certain area in the small intestine to look for damage to the villi that would confirm Celiac.  After the initial appointment with the gastroenterologist, where he scheduled the scope to be done in a couple of days, my husband and I went to eat at Chili’s, our favorite restaurant at the time.  We went there with the thought in mind that it may be my last time eating there if I did end up having Celiac.  As I mentioned before, at that time Celiac disease was not well-known, and gluten free menus in restaurants were unheard of.

The day I got the result from the biopsy that confirmed I had Celiac disease, my husband and I celebrated.  It seems funny to say that we were celebrating such a diagnosis, but we were just so happy that we finally had an answer, and that there was something I could do about it.  Going on the gluten free diet wasn’t easy, especially at that time when so little was known about it.  There were very few gluten free foods available, and most of what was out there was quite nasty.  I’m sure I ended up throwing away hundreds of dollars in foods that I would try but just couldn’t choke down.  The internet wasn’t very helpful for Celiac at that time either, as there just wasn’t much information about it.  And some of the information was incorrect.  Like with oats.  At that time it was thought that Celiacs couldn’t have any oats because it was believed that they had a protein in them similar to that of gluten.  It wasn’t until later that it was discovered the problem with oats for Celiacs wasn’t the oats themselves, but whether or not they had been cross-contaminated by wheat, barley or rye in the growing process.  And there were no laws about the labeling of gluten free products, so nothing was labeled gluten free and you had to learn how to read labels very well and know what ingredients contained gluten, such as malt being a derivative of barley.

And so the task was great, and a lot of adjustments had to be made.  But I was ready to get feeling better, so I persevered through the challenge.  After about 6 months of being on the gluten free diet, I finally started to notice some improvements and felt that I finally had all the answers I needed t move forward to healing.  A couple of years later I had another scope and biopsy to check on the damage of the villi.  It had healed, and things were looking pretty good.  I still had some health challenges, but I was hopeful with this new diagnosis and treatment plan of a gluten free diet.

The diagnosis of Celiac for me was nearly 15 years ago.  For a while, being gluten free seemed to be helping with a lot of my symptoms.  But some problems just didn’t go away.  And over time, things kept getting worse and worse.  I was so careful with the gluten; I never cheated even with a little pinch because I had felt bad for so long that I didn’t want to keep going down that road.  I’ve accidentally eaten gluten three times over these years, and let me tell you, I don’t want that to ever happen again! I get deathly ill, with severe pains and throwing up/diarrhea at the same time for almost an hour straight.  Then when it finally calms down enough for me to curl up into a ball, I go back and forth to the bathroom for the next several hours with the pain only lightened a little bit.  After that I spend the next 12-24 hours or so lying in bed, not daring to eat or move and stir things up again.  Then the next three or four days I am completely wiped out and feel as if I have the flu.  So it’s pretty obvious why I don’t cheat, not even a little!

Fifteen years of eating gluten free; and yet, I continue to have problems.  For a long time I would pass these issues off as being related to the Celiac.  Then after a while I would return for more tests to make sure I wasn’t missing something else.  Again, the tests would all come back as normal.  I had scopes with biopsies done every 2-3 years to check for damage to the villi in the small intestine, which confirms a Celiac diagnosis.  Throughout the years the biopsies would come back showing no damage, and so I felt that I was doing a pretty good job of keeping the Celiac under control with the gluten free diet. Then a year ago, the biopsy I had showed damage again.  If I never eat gluten, how could this be?  Two possibilities came up: 1- SIBO (Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth), 2- Cross contamination of gluten.  Since then we have also found that I am fighting multiple chronic infections in my body.  I am currently participating in a program to diagnose further and treat the SIBO that I likely have, as well as doing treatments to heal my gut and strengthen my immune system.  As part of this program (which I am extremely impressed with and would recommend to anyone with a lot of GI and other issues: http://drjasonklop.com), a couple of doctors and a nutritionist have suggested that due to the severity of my body’s reaction when gluten accidentally gets consumed, as well as the damage in the recent biopsy, and a rash on my legs that has developed in recent months, that I may be extremely sensitive to gluten to the extent that even touching it and breathing it in could likely be causing a lot of my symptoms.  Because of this, it has been recommended that we do a trial run of having a completely gluten free home.  That means getting all gluten out of the house, cleaning the kitchen cupboards, pans, utensils, etc. thoroughly, and re-stocking the home with all gluten free foods for my entire family of eight.  Yes, this is quite overwhelming, and not an easy task.  But I have a wonderful husband and children to help me through the process and work through these changes.  As we are starting this process, I feel very good about it and know that it will have many long-term benefits.  One of our daughters also has Celiac, so this will be a great benefit for her as well, along with my entire family for other reasons.

Why did I have the desire to share this long post about my Celiac journey?  I think most importantly is that I want other Celiacs to think about your own situation and evaluate your symptoms and environment.  I thought I was being so careful, and that the tiny bits of gluten around me didn’t really matter.  I know a lot of people who have Celiac and have been on gluten free diets long-term and are still having problems.  Could cross contamination be one of the big underlying issues?  Let’s become more aware and evaluate what things can be done to make improvements in our environment, thus making improvements in our health and overall well-being.

Stay tuned for future posts on my experience of getting gluten out of the house and the benefits I find from it!

Photo by Johnny McClung on Unsplash

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You’ve Got This!

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I’m grateful that there’s always hope…

I’m down in the trenches right now; wading through the waters and climbing up and down some rough terrain.  It gets discouraging in these spots.  When I’m here, I start to lose hope that I’m going to find the right answers and heal.  I question if the things I’m trying to do for healing are the right things and if I’m on the right road.  There are those moments when things seem to be improving; when I feel better for a while.  During those times I get so excited and have great hope that I’m moving forward in the right direction.  But then suddenly my body crashes.  I’m filled with pain and fatigue, and my stomach reacts to anything that I eat.  After this goes on for several days, the discouragement really sets in, and I start to allow myself to lose hope.

This is when I mentally pull myself back to the mountain peak where I have a clear view of the horizon.  I’m having to remind myself to do this again now.  I have to fight against the negative forces that are pulling me down.  I have to remind myself to keep pressing forward and not stay stuck in the quicksand, and to stay focused on the positive so that it can grow and I can hold on to hope.  I have to rely on the knot that is strong and keeps me going; to have faith that I will make it through. I’ve written about all of these things, and I truly believe in these principles and have seen them work for me many times before.  So now when the discouragement is here, I have to do some mental work- to put myself back to these places and really use these tools to help me continue on this rocky road toward my goal of a healthy and energetic body.

I know the journey is hard!  I know it gets so tiring to keep pushing through the challenges over and over again.  We have our moments of discouragement and moments when we wonder if the effort is even worth it.  I don’t understand the degree of what you may be going through or how severe your challenge may be, but I do know that it’s hard!  So I want to encourage you and encourage myself.  I’m standing at the sidelines cheering us on.  We can do this! Let’s think about our view of the horizon and remember how magnificent it is, and how possible it really is!  We’re going to get there; I just know it!!

You’ve got this!!

Photo by Tommy Lisbin on Unsplash

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What You Focus on Grows

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I’m grateful for the beautiful things in life that grow…

I used to have a fairly green thumb; at least it was a light shade of green.  In the past, I’ve had beautiful flower and vegetable gardens that thrived and grew.  This happened because I put a lot of focus on the plants, giving them the proper nourishment and care they needed.  But lately, the color of my thumb has seemed to change.  I try planting a flower garden in my front yard, or have plants in my house, and it’s not long before they are wilting and dying.  It makes sense that these plants aren’t thriving because I’m not giving them enough water and the proper care they need.  But that’s not really why they’re dying.  They’re dying because my focus is no longer on them.

A couple of years ago a friend gave me a succulent plant for my birthday.  She said she’s had greater success keeping her succulent plants alive since they don’t require much water.  I was hopeful when she gave it to me, that maybe I would be able to have a plant again that I could keep alive.  I put it in my kitchen window seal, and after a couple of months with it still growing, I began to think that succulents were the answer for me.  With this confidence, a few months later I bought a beautiful arrangement of succulents from my niece.  I put this piece by my front door because I wanted to show it off as people came into my house.  Within a short time, however, this set of succulents withered away and died.  I thought it would be so easy; after all, I had been able to keep the other one alive for months, and it was still growing.  I wondered what the difference was, and then I realized something.  The plant that was thriving was in my kitchen window seal, a place where I was focusing on it every day.  I would remember to water it when it was needed, and I would turn it around a little at a time so that different portions of it would face the sun.  The plant that was placed by my front door was out of my sight more often.  It was off to the side, where I would glance at it in passing, but not where I would look at it on a regular basis.  The plant in the window seal had my focus, and because of that, it grew!

I’ve heard the quote and seen it posted on social media many times: “What you focus on grows.”  I wasn’t sure where it had come from, but when I looked it up I found that was only part of the message.  It comes from this quote by Robin S. Sharma, “ What you focus on grows, what you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny.”

I truly believe that what we choose to focus on in our lives will grow.  If we focus on the negative, the negative will grow.  When we choose to focus on what is good in our lives and around us, those positive things will flourish and grow. So if I get caught back in the rut that I’ve been in at times where I focus on how sick I feel, or how much my body hurts, that pain and sickness will continue to grow.  But if I focus on the fact that my body is healing and I express gratitude for the progress I make on this path, even if the steps are very small, then my body will stay in a mode of healing.

This same concept is true in our relationships with others, our love, forgiveness, compassion, and all good things in our lives.  If we put our focus on the good things we want to have improved in our lives, then those good things will grow.  As we keep our eyes focused on the horizon, on the goals that we want to achieve, we will continue to go forward toward those things, overcoming obstacles along the way, and watching our goals grow into realities.

I realize that healing from illness or dealing with other challenges isn’t just easily fixed by focusing on the positive.  Each situation is very complex and has many difficulties that go along with it.  So I’m not suggesting that life suddenly becomes easy and all our problems will be taken care of if we just focus on the good.  But I am suggesting that when we do choose to put our focus this way, it helps our minds, hearts and bodies to be more open to the healing process.  It leaves us more open to seeking for answers and to doing our part, no matter how small that may be, to help the healing to happen.  When we keep our focus on the positive it also helps us to recognize more often the blessings that we really do have, despite the challenges.  And perhaps one of the most important things it does for us…  it gives us HOPE!

Let’s strive to stay focused on the things that we want to grow.  As we keep the most important things in sight, we will be reminded to nourish them and help them to flourish and grow into something beautiful.

 

Photo by Keenan Barber on Unsplash

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The Lessons We Learn

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I’m grateful for the lessons I learned while fishing…

We spent the last few days at my parent’s home.  They still live in the place where I grew up.  It’s always nice to go home and see some of the people and places that I grew up with.

For the past couple of months, my dad has been talking to our 4 year old and telling him that he wanted to take him fishing.  My little boy has been so excited about this, and has asked about it for weeks.  We finally had the opportunity to come home and have Grandpa take us in the mountains to go fishing.  This picture of my daughter is like a shadow of me when I was younger and fishing in one of my dad’s favorite places.

My dad has always loved fishing, and we spent a lot of time in the mountains as I was growing up.  We would go camping and fishing high in the mountains, where we could escape from the summer heat and bask in the beauties of creation.  My dad’s favorite fishing spots were usually ponds that were tucked high in the mountains and not the easiest places to get to.  Although I didn’t always love sitting for hours at the side of the lake or pond with my pole extended out while waiting for a fish to bite, I did come to appreciate the value of sitting quietly and pondering.  When I was younger I didn’t understand how my dad could sit so patiently for such a long time waiting to catch a fish.  But as I grew up, I came to value the lessons my dad was teaching me in those moments of waiting; lessons of patience, pondering, enjoying peace and the wonders of nature.  These are valuable lessons far greater than learning how to become a fisherman, and they are lessons that I believe are needed in life now more than ever.

We live in a very busy world filled with voices screaming at us from all angles.  It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of daily life and pulled into the many uses of technology.  Although there are a lot of benefits to living in the world we have today, I feel that we are missing some of the key benefits to bring us a healthy and balanced life; lessons of patience, pondering, enjoying peace and the wonders of nature.

I want my children to learn these valued lessons now so that they can incorporate them into their lives as they travel their own roads.  Taking them to the places I went to as a child is very fulfilling for me.  It serves to teach these lessons to them, as well as reminding me how important it is to keep these things in my own life.  I can’t always go back to those places where I went as a child, but I can remember them, write about them, and talk to my children about them.  I can also find new places in nature to explore and places where I can ponder and take my children and try to teach them the valuable lessons that I learned when I was their age.

Thank you, Dad, for taking me fishing!

laundry exhaustion

PILES!!

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PILES!! I used to think I would be able to get on top of them; that somehow, if I could just have a full day with lots of energy and no interruptions, I would be able to make the piles disappear. But the only thing that ever happened was that the piles kept building up, and instead of me getting on top of them, they multiplied and kept getting on top of me!

In order for me to be involved in my kids’ lives and in church and community service, I had to let some things go. I couldn’t do it all, but I didn’t want to give up the things that were most important to me and that kept me going when otherwise I would have given up. I needed those things at the time, and saved my energy to do the things that I felt were most important. But since I couldn’t keep up with everything, something had to give, and that usually meant things around the house. Thus, the piles!!

The laundry was the most troubled spot.  I could manage to get the clothes into the washer, then transfer them to the dryer, then to a basket. That was it. I couldn’t make it past that point.  Because the clothes sat in piles in the laundry baskets, when the kids needed something to wear, usually needing it right away on their way somewhere, they would tear through the piles to get what they needed, while leaving more piles behind them on the floor.  It felt like a rat-race.  There wasn’t a good system, and I could never seem to get on top of things enough to create one.  This is literally what my laundry room looked like week after week, for years.  I’m sure I could have managed to keep up with the laundry if that was all I had to do, but since I was juggling so many different things with a limited amount of energy, this was the result with the laundry.  Even though I was pretending to sleep in the picture, which was taken many years ago (sorry for the pixelation), I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I didn’t know how to even start tackling the pile, and I would often just stare at it or collapse in exhaustion or tears.

I was so grateful to have a laundry room with a door, and I would pull it closed, hoping for more energy to tackle it the next day. Sometimes I would manage to get half of the pile folded and put away.  And sometimes I would even manage to get it all folded, spread over the entire family room floor, while I was watching a movie at night after the children had gone to bed. However, by the time the folding was done, I was too tired to stay up any longer to put it all away.  So there it would stay until I had the time and energy as I would try and get my young children to stay off the piles of now folded clothes and help me transfer them to the drawers.  Every once in a while, I would get caught up on the piles of laundry- when my mom would come for the weekend and take over the job, or when I would finally agree to have a friend help me once in a while. My amazing husband tried to help all that he could, but with his demanding internet business that he ran for almost 20 years and being on call 24/7 the entire time, he had his hands full on the evenings and Saturdays that he was home trying to keep up with the yard, household repairs, and spend time with the kids and I.

The laundry room wasn’t the only spot that had piles.  They were all over the kitchen counter, in the office, bedrooms, and behind closed closet doors.  As the piles would build and build, only being tackled in small increments here and there, my anxiety and frustration over them would build and build as well.

I share this to show you my reality, and the reality of those who have chronic illnesses of various kinds.  I’m not seeking for sympathy, but I want to help others realize that they are not alone in this battle.  And if you know someone with a chronic illness and you just don’t understand why they can’t accomplish what seem to be simple tasks at times, please have empathy for them and realize that they are fighting real battles and they need support, not more piles added to their already heavy burdens.

I’m very grateful to say that my husband’s work has changed and he has now taken over the laundry!  Through some of his own moments of realization, he has come to understand how much these piles are pulling me back from making better progress in my healing. There are still plenty of other piles all throughout the house, but having the laundry baskets empty and clean clothes neatly in drawers has lightened my burdens immensely.  I’m still working on getting to the other piles. If I look at them for too long, I get very overwhelmed again.  So I usually choose to look past them or close another door, waiting for the right moment when things will work out to be able to tackle all the other piles- one paper, one box, one pile- or drop– at a time!

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